The beginning of this post began with me scrolling through my entire YouTube home page, came across bright color video covers fed to me the YouTube algorithm. In the end, I finally settled for a lofi playlist as background noise before I dive into the complexity of my mind palace.
Playlist: Purrple Cat – Distant Worlds
Pandora Box of Anxiety
I’m not sure why no one taught us to be more sure of ourselves before sending us to college just so we can decide on a career for the rest of our lives. Who suddenly decided that high schoolers are fit to decide their lives after 1 summer without any emotional guidance, especially when their dream careers will never work out, corporate politics wearing them down, and they will have to choose between their sanity or a paycheck?
These were all of the things that hit me like a truck after starting my full-time job. And they are only getting heavier every day, especially in the state of economic anxiety with people leaving for new roles. Just as I tried to find a balance to pindown a healthy lifestyle, the sense of personal expectations crept in. Like who invited anxiety to the party?
So many whys
Why go to the gym when I can work a little longer?
Why go out for a walk when I can study for my certification?
Why go out when I’m already exhausted enough?
Why are you making excuses?
Why are you so tired after work even when you’re working from home?
All of these brought eventually crashed a few weeks ago, as I decided enough is enough and I should crawl out of my broken shell. And to be honest, I still am recovering from weeks of mental breakdowns. But as I tend to my wounds, I decided I need to become stronger, and I need to know where I should go next. It is not a sense of feeling lost, but it is a sense of uncertainty.
Do I want to go for an easier job that will save my sanity?
A harder job where I can learn and challenge myself?
Who do I want to be in life?
What do I want to be remembered as?
I always questioned others’ journeys, but I slowly realized, they actually have strong internal compasses that are guiding them. And that’s why I’m here, I am looking for my own compass so I can stop getting lost and second guess myself. So I can trust myself, my ability, my instinct, and my willpower.
Where should I start?
Previous role models
Some self-help books
Talking to therapist
A good Youtuber
Anywhere else I should check out?
Thank you for reading!